Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
