The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
