Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you never un-have a 4some
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
