1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
