My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
