I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
