You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
