I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
