you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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