lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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