how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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