I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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