he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
