just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
