so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
