Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
