I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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