I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Don't make out with my wife yet
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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