I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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