I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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