The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
