You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
