Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
