He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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