you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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