Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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