so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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