Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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