3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
