I have demons in me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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