he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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