It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
