The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
