I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
