He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
