I think I died a long time ago.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
