what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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