There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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