What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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