but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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