He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
