we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Who died my cat blue again?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
