Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
