i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
