i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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