Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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