Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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