if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
