fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
