i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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