i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
