How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We smell like vodka and hangover
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
