why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
