You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
