Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
