no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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