whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
