Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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