How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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