Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
