The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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