google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize