There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
And then my night got REAL pukey
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
